A couple weeks ago, I was at a party known for transsexuals, everyone was happy there dancing, having fun, and being themselves. We were discussing and sharing the issues that felt relevant to us, things we might want to see covered in a book or magazine by trans people for trans people, and someone brought up the issue of peer pressure surrounding surgery and hormones, throwing out the phrase, “trans enough.”
It had been a while since I’d heard that term, and even longer since I felt any connection to it, since I looked around at others to try and determine where I fit in. I consider that a valuable phase in my history. Watching other guys physically transition, listening to the reasons people start and stop hormones, hearing explanations for people’s surgery decisions and complex identities expanded the landscape of possibility so that I could carve out my unique place. I reflected my understanding of myself off of what I saw around me, used my environment to cue my own self-investigation. And then, as soon as I stopped worrying if I was trans enough, I was suddenly Trans too much.
Few days later, when I was just having my coffee and as usual enjoying my dearest fayrouz, a sudden cloud of questions shot me in the head. How someone is considered trans enough? Is it really how we see ourselves? Or it depends on how we see ourselves with respect to the society or “in trans case “to other Cis-woman? And the most important question when do we become trans too much?
Back during my exploratory phase, or what I like to call it “question phase”, where each and every transgendered person, asked him/herself am I really like that? Should I come out? How to start, when … and thousands same question with mostly no convenient answer, a friend of mine told me (in a Lebanese stupid accent) “I wish I were a woman, I mean they have no responsibilities, every single male on the earth would do anything for her if she asked for it in a spoiled way”, he was totally unaware about what this wish provoked in me, I felt miserable back then, got detached from reality. At that point I had no idea what “womanhood” actually means, I’m not pretending that I do now :P, but im not really worrying about this point since almost all women don’t actually know what does it mean to be a woman, it’s a controversial idea. Back to that day, I asked my friend: “if you had the chance to be a woman how would you look like? He answered “I would want to be the sexiest hottest woman on earth…”
There seem to be a misunderstood and a direct correlation between our bodies and our identities. A woman “in the Arabian and middle eastern society” should always look “hot” “spoiled diva”, and “sexy” in order to be considered as a woman. All other are most of the times not considered “ladies”, however the reality tells us that the most successful women in our short humanity heritage was not actually that “babes” I mean accept for those who was successful or very well-known because of their “hotness”. Exactly here I guess where I felt the major test, I followed each and every fashion magazine I found, tried my best to do what they told us to do or act.
Almost oblivious to the real reality, that there is no direct correlation between our bodies and our identities. Choose your pronoun, choose whether you want to birth a child, choose the gender-connotation of your name, choose your gender, choose not to modify your body, and you are, and will always be, trans enough. But I do ask for something in return. Don’t render me invisible on account of my body. There is no direct correlation after surgery and hormones, no reason I can’t occupy the same place I did before I made certain decisions. Not everyone transitions so that their “insides match their outsides” as it’s been said. Some people, like me, transition so that my outsides bring a sense of bodily peace, and I await the day when my insides are acknowledged in my surroundings, and the language I use to self-describe expands out, and we can all be seen, so we’re not continuing to pit ourselves against each other to validate and create our existence.
I think I have a point: If you’re not enough, then you’re too much….
Keep on smiling it will gets better